So it looks like this blog helps me vent my frustrations a lot. It's not that I'm unhappy all the time. I just have things on my mind that make my brain want to explode when things get ridiculous. And I don't think anyone, including myself, can ever find the right words which will completely explain how I'm breaking down from time to time.
So let me break down all the background information:
I am in Buena Vista, VA. A small town that is absolutely beautiful. However, there is nothing to do here. Granted I am very much an introvert and prefer to just chill out and relax, but I am going insane with boredom. It is also the summer time. Where there once was a college town with people around, there is now a ghost town. The few people that are around and that I am friends with are busy working.
I am also working 40 hours a week...thank goodness because I would definitely be going insane everyday if I didn't work that much. I love my job and can't wait to keep building my career.
Then, there is my personal life. I broke up with someone and was broken up with, my heart was broken. It hurt...still hurts because there are times where I feel like something is wrong with me. I was fortunate to still keep good friendships out of everything. Then, I miss my family a lot. I miss bowling with my parents, playing video games with my dad, and just talking to both of them. I badly want to see my niece and nephew. I feel like an aunt that has gone "m.i.a." I miss both of my sisters and brother-in-laws a lot. If there is one thing I have learned, it is that being far away from your family sucks.
Now why exactly am I going crazy? Let me tell you to the best of my abilities.
I just do not understand how others think and act. Let's take today for an example. I went up to someone because I had to give them something. However, the person next to them (as I approached with a friendly smile) gave me a nasty glare. What the heck? Now I did not know this person who gave me the glare, so it was not like I had a bad history or experience with them. Now I understand there are just people out there that are mean. So lets move onto another example.
Time and time again I do not understand why people choose to act like an idiot. Is it purely to get attention? I hope not because that kind of attention is not good. BUT take a person who acts like an idiot and then look at the countless numbers of people around that gladly accept this behavior as acceptable/normal. For example, visualize a girl that screams at the top of her lungs purely because she has to prove a point that she believes in something. Now for me, that hurts my ears and makes me think "why couldn't she lower the volume a tad bit? She could have made the same point or say the same thing without butchering my ears." HOWEVER, most people around here will accept her actions and sometimes JOIN IN on this behavior. Why does this happen? I have no clue. If anyone finds the answer please tell me ASAP. Tell me why people choose to act dumb and tell me why others accept dumb actions?
This also goes into my last post about being a hypocrite. Tell me why a friend wouldn't do something for me about 2 months ago, but then turn around and do it for someone else when the reasons are the same now? In my eyes and thoughts, my friend is an idiot for acting like a hypocrite. But what can I honestly say to this person without coming across as crazy person? I feel like being honest hurts me the most sometimes...that's when I choose to say nothing. I'll just have to live with the thoughts I have of this situation for a long time. I am going insane...
I have had enough. I feel like I need to just shut off everything in my mind. I need to get away from these people that constantly hurt me. Whether it is hurting my heart or my brain. I want to surround myself by those that I know won't do this mess (if there are any of these people around). Because I cannot continue to sit here and think that something is wrong with ME. When I constantly search for an answer I cannot find anything. Clearly it is not purely me that is in the wrong. Something else is going on right now that I cannot explain. If you have any input let me know through comments.
Meanwhile here is a song that I have fallen in love with (and somewhat describes how I feel) for the past month and a half:
I hope we can see you soon, we miss you too! You don't need to feel bad about not being around the kids though, it's our fault for being so far away from family. James still loves you a lot and Grace would forget you after a week anyway since she's so young. Maybe you'll end up coming out here for your masters, that would be lots of fun! Once we are able to buy a house we'll fly you all out.
ReplyDeleteMy thoughts from what you've described, obviously I don't know exactly how things are, are that people act like idiots because they are immature and think it makes people like them. College can be tough because people are still young and trying to find themselves. SVU is such a small school that maybe people feel they have to try super hard to get others to like them. Unlike you, a lot of people care about being popular. That can mean that they try to act stupid to get attention, or flock to those kind of people because they think others enjoy the idiots too. Or maybe it's because they're so bored out in that small town that the only enjoyment they get is from watching people be immature. Just my thoughts.
I know it's hard for you, but I think the best thing you can do is just accept that others are immature and ignore them. Also, try not to take things so personally, there's nothing wrong with you. College aged kids are just trying to figure things out still and will later look back on how stupid they acted. I really hope you have some decent friends though. To tell you the truth, I don't talk to many of my friends from college anymore because we've all moved on. My good friends are ones I've met since. Sorry this is so long.